I had a conversation with a boy in a bar once, about star signs. He said he bet he could guess my sign. It took him four wrong turns. Not knowing why it was important, I said to him that I don’t believe in them at all. I think they are nonsense.
He just looked at me and said “that’s such a sagittarius response”. I rolled my eyes. He went on to tell me that everything that’s happened in my life is because of my star sign. I told him that in my opinion everything that’s happened in my life is because of the way my parents raised me and then because of who I decided to become myself.
He said the way my parents raised me was because of the signs they held. For me, it’s just utter nonsense. But that’s what he really believes. So, I listened some more and then just said something about agreeing to disagree.
I’m not gonna tell anyone what to believe or not. In fact I’m the kind of person who needs to know and is completely fascinated by how everything works – and always have been. Apparently I was one of those v annoying children who just asked questions all.the.time. Soz mum and dad.
But it got me to thinking. What the heck do I even believe? If anything at all?
I have friends who fall into all sorts of beliefs. From christianity, to inner awakenings, to full on atheists. And it’s always an interesting topic of conversation for me, to hear what other people believe. How they get through each day and, ultimately, their lives.
And I’m not really sure where I fit in. I grew up in a very christian household. And up until the age of maybe 12, I loved going to church and loved learning everything I was taught. Unfortunately that changed when I went to secondary school. I went to the public school in Winchester, and every single one of my church friends went to the christian school. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal now – I made a bunch of friends at my school and it didn’t effect my day-to-day life, but every Sunday I’d go to church, sit with my friends there and not know how to talk to them. And as a shy, insecure girl, this was really hard. It made me hate Sunday mornings. To the point where I would cry every week and beg my parents to let me stay home. And that was tough. Eventually every Sunday I’d just make the choice to sit on my own. Insecure, remember. And at 16 I stopped going altogether.
And that in turn, I think, had a side effect on how I felt about church and faith as a whole. I didn’t see it more than ‘If God is good, why is this happening to me? Why am I so sad?”. Ahh, the self centered teen.
Now, at the age of 28, I’m still not really sure what I think. The fundamentals of christianity, sure. Be kind, accepting and good to everyone. Why wouldn’t you live like that?
But there’s something that makes me hesitant. And it’s not just about christianity. But most religions I think. Bear with me here. I’m sure this might end up a big old tangent of thoughts currently buzzing through my brain.
I have difficulty in thinking that someone/thing/higher being is looking out for me. I think that’s an enormous pressure. I don’t like the idea that my life is already planned out. Because I like to think that I have more control over what I’m doing than just “because it’s written in the stars” or whatever.
I don’t know what I think of fate. I used to think that everything happened for a reason, even if you couldn’t see it at the time. And there’s a part of me that still might think like that. But now, it’s more because I made it happen myself, not nature.
But sometimes, I think that putting all that on myself is just as much pressure! What if I mess up and have no one else to blame hahaha. WHO EVEN KNOWS HOW TO DO LIFE?
I wish I could believe in magic. But like I said already, I’m too curious about how things are done that all magic is ruined for me. I remember watching a tv programme growing up called The Masked Magician and it was this dude who literally revealed how all the major magic tricks are done (while wearing a mask) and it was INCREDIBLE. That was magic to me. Knowing the secrets. He definitely revealed himself in the last episode and got disbarred from the Magician’s Circle. But he was a hero to me.
I know I believe in love. And maybe I do believe in fate then. Because I’m such an old romantic/disney princess that I believe in love at first sight and one true love and oh-my-god-we-both-reached-for-the-same-book moments…which I guess, have to be planned somehow?
I don’t know. I just don’t know. Maybe I’ll never know!
But I can be certain of one thing, and that’s that I 100% without a doubt, believe in myself. I am extraordinary. And all the other stuff? Well, it’s actually pretty fun trying to work that out. Especially with a big glass of wine in hand.
So how bout it, dear reader, shall we crack open a bottle and have a discussion? Tell me what you believe! What gets you through life?