digital dating downfall

I love dating. I love getting to know new people. And new places. And generally just all new things. What I don’t like however, is this whole dating through a screen thing.

As part of the build up to our launch, I thought it would be fun to try out some dating apps. I don’t really know why, because I tried Tinder last year and hated it, especially after being told I had mental problems by one boy…but that’s another story.

Anyway, I thought I’d give it a go. If anything, it would give us girls something to giggle about. Because, obviously, I shared with Shay and Kbear everything that was said.

I got told about an app called Bumble. Which is, apparently, the “feminist version of Tinder”. I use this term lightly because the only reason it is considered this, is because only the girls can make the first move. I believe it’s some sort of weird power thing, which will supposedly “end harassment”? Which is all a load of poop if you ask me. Idiots are always going to be idiots, it doesn’t matter who speaks first.

Aside from that, the concept is pretty much exactly the same. You upload photos, write a short bio, swipe right for yes, left for no. Bish bash bosh. Another slight difference is that not only is it me who can make the first move, but also, if I don’t make the move within 24 hours, the match disappears. That’s fine by me.

So within few hours of furious swiping I had a couple matches.

And immediately I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I also let didn’t really know what to say. I hit up a couple with just your average “hi” and then this happened…

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I won’t lie. The direct nature of his response made me laugh so much. He either knows what he wants, or it’s a technique for girls to think “oh my god I have to make an effort with this guy!” But for me it was cool. Small talk is the worst anyway. Nothing lost.

I then spoke to Shay and Kbear about how to make it a bit more interesting. Just saying ‘hi’ perhaps wasn’t the way to go. So together we came up with three ridiculous openers. The first two unfortunately got no response. Devastating. Especially as the first was this terrible (but absolutely incredible) joke that I love – I don’t make jokes about graphic designers. Thats where I draw the line.

The second was a simple “so, know any good openers?” Apparently, no, no one did.

The third, provoked yet another response that had us all giggling. But immediately made me want to not talk to this person ever again:

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Thanks pal, it’s SO LUCKY! Also, *you’re.

The next day we had another match. Now, I’ll say here, I’m not even sure why I carried on talking to this dude as long as I did. The first thing he said to me was rude. My little two line bio said something like “Most people refer to me as the girl with big eyes. But once I got called a snork. Also I like pizza.”

So as you can see, I’m clearly a catch.

Anyway, after me saying hello, his first response was “your eyes aren’t big at all in any way”. And, I mean, even having responded, I’m still not sure how to respond to that. “Oh okay, sorry pal, EVERYONE I’VE EVER KNOWN EVER MUST BE WRONG”.

Anywho. We carried on doing stupid small talk and then he asked a (kind of) interesting question:

“You’re going into a festival but the guards at the gates won’t let you take your bag in. They will however, let you take two items. What are they?”

Okay, cool, bit of a thinker…but also a no brainer…

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Yeah, dude, calm down okay. Who doesn’t take glitter to a festival?

I then asked him what he would take and he said “booze and water. no scratch that, just the booze.” OH MY GOD PAL YOU’RE SO COOL!

I told him he should be more creative. Booze is going to be there anyway. I think he got a little stuck because he then just started listing random things like a broken phone charger, some dog food and drugs. As Kbear said, maybe these were the things that were actually in his bag.

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SUPER COOL PAL!

I fed his ego a bit and asked him all about the drugs he doesn’t take regularly. Snoozefest. He started to tell me about how awesome sex is on MDMA. Ugh.

And then we switched from the app to whatsapp. (Apparently that the thing to do) Anyway, on whatsapp you can have a status. Mine is and always has been wolf. The first message I got from him simply said “wolf?” and then this happened….

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Now I’d had a couple signs already that this dude and me were on different levels, but this was enough for me to just know that nothing was ever going to happen outside of our phone screens. And I’m not about to go off in to some massive rant about how this is sexual harassment of any kind. I don’t think of it like that. I don’t feel threatened by him. I just don’t understand why people say stuff like that to people they don’t know. The photos I put on the app were all facebook profile photos (aka, very PG). There was nothing in what I said to him that could have construed anything of a sexual nature (my response to him talking about MDMA sex was that I don’t do drugs and once I took a paracetamol and it made me tired).

It just baffles me. Like dude, you don’t know me. You don’t know what sounds sexy on me. We’ve literally been talking for about 15 minutes. I am a figment of your imagination right now. I MIGHT NOT EVEN BE ME.

And this is why I don’t like the digital side of dating. It doesn’t matter if it’s the spur of the moment type apps like Tinder and Bumble, or more detailed sites like match.com…everyone is behind a wall. Everyone can say whatever they think because it isn’t actually coming out of their mouth and their eyes are not registering an in time reaction. It’s just not real. Give me awkward silences over drinks and laughing because you don’t know what to say any day. I like to get to know my people in the real world.

Oh and as for that dude and his scandinavian outfit deal…I did a quick google, responded with this image and the caption “oh yes, I totally agree” before deleting his number from existence…

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Until next time!

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